A letter to Autumn

Dear Autumn,

it doesn't feel like you've arrived yet and just like that, half of October has almost gone by. This year seems to be going way too quickly; it feels like it was only the day before yesterday when I had troubles opening my bedroom window because of all of the snow on it, it feels like it was only yesterday when I was sweating like a pig and suffering from really bad mosquito bites (to be honest, I still am. Where is the year going?

Found on blog.whimseybox.com
You're a funny in-between period, Autumn. We aren't quite so sure what's going on; is it going to rain and be really chilly today? Is it going to be so warm that we'll run down to the river and catch the last bits of sun before Winter rolls in and the year is out? Should we relax or start doing school work? It feels like everything around me is getting ready to rest for a while; the leaves drifting through the air, no more birds singing in the morning to wake me up, people clearing their back gardens of anything that might ring summer or spring. While you slow things down, you bring unimaginable stress. It's still not full on stress, it's... somewhere in between.

By now, probably every school in the world is back in full swing. Well, I can certainly say that for myself... I have already had two exams this week and I'm anticipating one on Monday. We started early this year and I'm not sure whether I'm happy about it; I used to have a lot of fun during the first two months of school and it was only in November when things got serious. I mean, it's not to say that I'm not having fun; I am, just... this time, it brings guilt as well.

Found on wetpaint.tumblr.com
You see, Autumn, I'm a bit of a perfectionist when it comes to school, always have been and always will be; I was just raised in that way and I believe that it's the right thing to study hard and get really good grades because in a way, high school is the time that will define your whole life. It's a bit of a scary thought, but I have successfully managed to keep it out of my head last year; getting 11 A's, 2 B's and 1 C, I was pretty happy with the turnout. I finished at the top of my class, that's all that matters. But... this year, the start hasn't been so good. I have managed to get my first C of the year today... not the nicest thought. I mean, some people would kill for that grade... but I wouldn't. Anything lower than my expectations defines me as failure in my head. I managed to fail an audition for a really important gig at my school. It was a good performance, mind you, but if I have tried that one bit harder, then I might have passed. If I would have practised just a tiny bit more, then it might have turned out a completely different way... but I didn't. All because someone suddenly took an interest in me, All because somebody started talking to me and actually hanging out with me and not ignoring me when they pass me on the hallway. And that's why I feel the guilt.

I had no idea what the belief that a moon eclipse before Halloween brings drastic changes into someone's life was about... I am not a superstitious or religious person, Autumn, but sometimes there are things that you just need to believe in. Sometimes, things happen and you can't quite explain them and just... have to believe in something, otherwise you'll go mad.

Sometimes, you have to believe that someone's watching over you, protecting you from evil.

Sometimes, you have to believe that things that happen in the world around you can effect your life.

Sometimes, you have to believe that something will happen to you... and change you. It's up to you whether is it for the better of for the worse.

Found on etsy.com
Sometimes, even I can have deep thoughts, Autumn. But those deep thoughts can sometimes cause a big pile of mess in my head and make me paranoid, frightened, scared. I am not sure who to trust, who to turn to for advice about my problems. Most of the time, I will just sit in my little corner of the room, with a book or my laptop in my hands, music blasting in my ears and swimming in a little pool of thoughts that don't seem to find a way out. I want to be happy, dearest Autumn, I'd love to experience all the things that my friends have, I want to be good in school, I want to have a life, I want to enjoy myself... but who am I kidding, not many people can do that... and I'm not sure whether I'm one of those people.

I don't ask people to do things all that often for me, but this time I will... take it easy on me, Autumn. Just... be good to me.

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